95. No Doughnuts for Old Folks

In New York, the residents at a senior center have been receiving free doughnuts and other baked goods for years. The sweets are donated by bakeries and other shops that have leftovers that are not quite fresh enough to sell. The seniors devour the sweets. But the city council has decided that these sweets are no good for the seniors. It just passed a law forbidding free day-old sweets for the senior center.“We want our seniors to live as long as possible, and these sweets can only contribute to obesity. With obesity come high blood pressure, circulation problems, and diabetes. So we are doing this for their own good,” said Karl Rove, a city council member.The senior citizens are having none of this. They immediately called Rove and other council members to protest this ban. “Who are these people to tell us what to eat?” asked Doug Fairbanks, a resident at the center. “I’ll bet every one of them has a doughnut several times a week. Where do they get this attitude? They act like they are our parents.“Instead, they are elected officials who are supposed to do the will of the people. And there isn’t one person in this senior center who has complained about the free doughnuts. If they’re concerned about seniors, are they going to prohibit all the seniors in the whole town from eating doughnuts? They can’t just pick on us if they’re interested in the health of all seniors.“People get a little bit of power and it goes straight to their heads. We are starting a petition to recall all the council members who voted for this law.”

96. It’s Just Business

May was hoping to broker cigarette lighters in America. Her friend said that Mr. Wang was a big manufacturer in China. She gave May Mr. Wang’s phone number. May called Mr. Wang, and invited him to Los Angeles. She arranged several meetings between Mr. Wang and some US wholesalers. Because he did not speak English, she was the interpreter at the meetings. Mr. Wang promised to give May a commission for whatever business deal was made and for all future orders.The first three meetings were unproductive. The last meeting was with a Chinese wholesaler. He spoke Chinese, so there was no need for May to interpret his remarks. She sat there throughout the meeting and listened. The two men discovered that they both had grown up in Guiyang, a large city in southwest China. At meeting’s end, no deal was made. Everyone shook hands.May and Mr. Wang walked out to her car. Then Mr. Wang said that he had forgotten something. He excused himself and walked back to the office. May waited a moment. Then, suspicious, she snuck back to the office and heard the two men making a deal behind her back. Mr. Wang was cutting her out of her commission.May went back out to her car and waited. Mr. Wang was whistling as he returned to the car. He apologized for making her wait. She said it was no problem. Then she drove Mr. Wang back to his hotel. He thanked her for her help, and said he was returning to China the next day. She didn’t say anything about what she had overheard. She went home and tried not to cry about what had just happened—she must be strong.

97. A Walk in the Wild

Bill parked his car on the residential street. The street used to be safe, but now there were frequent reports in the weekly paper about break-ins. He put The Club on his steering wheel and made sure that nothing of value—not even a pair of cheap sunglasses—was visible through the car windows.He got out of the car and started the uphill walk. The mountain trail was mostly narrow for the first two miles. Only two people could walk side by side. When the trail got close to the edge of the mountainside, it was best if people walked single file. Several years ago, an experienced hiker, walking alone, slipped and fell to his death. The trail went past a small lake created by a dam, and then broadened as it went up into the heart of the mountain, away from cliffs. When Bill got to First Camp, he stopped by the small stream to look for fish or frogs. Suddenly, he heard a sinister rattling sound. Then, he felt a sharp bite on his calf. He turned around in time to see a rattler slithering off.There was nothing to do now but walk back down to his car. He had no cell phone with him. He would remember to bring it next time, if there was a next time. Should he walk slowly, so the poison would spread slowly? Or should he walk fast, so he could get to his car and get medical help faster? Perhaps he’d meet someone on the way down.A simple walk, he thought. It was just going to be a simple walk up a mountain trail.

98. Elvis Is Alive and Well

Tamara Smith sliced open an eggplant. The seeds were arranged in the likeness of Elvis’s profile. “Oh, my God!” Tamara screamed. She was The King’s biggest fan. She had all his CD’s and all the DVD’s of his movies. She knew everything about the artist from Mississippi. She had been to his birthplace and to his memorial—Graceland—in Memphis. She had never actually seen him live, yet she worshipped him. She felt that she was his soul mate, because they were both born on January 8.She always claimed that Elvis would be alive today if she could have contacted him that fateful day. She had had a strange feeling that morning in her own bathroom. She sensed that there was danger for Elvis in his bathroom. She suspected that he might slip in the tub, or maybe accidentally electrocute himself with his hair dryer. But she wasn’t sure. All she knew was that Elvis must not use his bathroom that day.She dialed Memphis 411, but Information told her that his number was not listed. She called the Memphis police, but they said she would have to get in line behind all the other crank callers. She called her cousin who lived in Memphis, but her cousin was out.She almost died when she saw the TV news that night, August 16, the saddest day of her life. I was right, I was right, she kept repeating to herself. If only she had gotten through to poor Elvis.Now she had this eggplant. It could mean only one thing—Elvis was trying to communicate with her. She wrapped the eggplant in saran wrap and put it in her refrigerator. The next day she was going to visit Mabel, her palm reader / medium / manicurist, to have a séance.

99. Bad Weed, Bad Call

Boy, this is the worst weed I’ve ever had, Wesley thought, even though it smelled great. He’d rolled two joints, smoked them both, and still didn’t feel high. He’d heard about some super weed that gets people so high that they think they’re straight. Maybe this was super weed. Naw, he thought. This is just crap. His best buddy had ripped him off! There was only one thing to do: call the police.Wesley told the police his problem. They said they would be right over. He went to the front door and unlocked it. Slowly, he printed Buster’s phone number and address on a cigarette paper. He put it into the big baggie of grass. He wondered if his call was going to make TV news. Or maybe the front page of the newspaper: “Good Citizen Turns in Drug Dealer.” Wow! The city might make him an honorary deputy sheriff. He lit another joint—maybe the third one would be the charm ...He heard the car doors closing and the footsteps approaching. All right, he thought. He wondered if they had brought a television crew with them. Maybe he’d make the 11 o’clock news. The police were very polite. They thanked him for Buster’s phone number and address. Then they arrested Wesley. “What for?” he protested.“For possessing more than 28 grams of pot,” an officer replied.“But this isn’t pot—it’s more ‘not’ than ‘pot.’ Why do you think I called you—I got ripped off!”“Well, we’ll see about that after the lab analyzes it. If you’re both lucky, you did get ripped off.”

100. Shark Attack

It was a hot, sunny day. The waves off Santa Barbara were almost three feet high because of a distant Pacific storm. Surfers were having fun. Then the fun ended. One surfer started yelling. Surfers on the beach saw him swinging his arms. He went under water. Then he came back up, shouting for help.“He was in big trouble,” said one woman on shore. She called 911. He was still shouting and fighting. They could not see a shark, but they knew the surfer was being attacked by one. Again, the surfer went under. Four surfers hopped onto their boards and swam rapidly out to the surfer. By the time they got to him, he was alone. The shark had given up on the taste of the rubber wetsuit and the battle that the surfer had put up.The 24-year-old man was groaning in pain, but he was still alive. The surfers put him on a board and paddled back to shore. “I don’t think he’s going to make it,” said someone on the beach. “Look at that leg.”A helicopter arrived shortly afterward. Paramedics hopped out and examined the victim. They thanked the surfers and the woman for their aid, and put the man into the chopper. A hospital spokesman said an hour later that the surfer would survive—he was in fair condition. Meanwhile, because there was nothing they could do and because the waves were still good, most of the surfers were out on their boards.

101. Love in the Hospital

Jenny was hot for Roger. They were both nurses, and they were both married—to someone else. Jenny knew that the feeling was mutual; Roger had that sparkle in his eye whenever he saw her. He often grabbed Jenny’s hand and pulled her aside to talk to her privately about something that was quite unimportant. They frequently gave each other shoulder massages. It was only a matter of time, Jenny figured.“You’d better be careful,” Carol said. “You don’t think anyone has noticed the two of you? It’s not like you’re being very secretive.” Carol was Jenny’s coworker and best friend.“Well, we don’t have anything to be secretive about,” Jenny replied. “We’re not doing anything, so we don’t have to be careful about anything.”“Who are you kidding? You’ve told me plenty of times how hot you think Roger is. What are you going to do when he gets tired of just flirting? You won’t be able to resist. And then, the fun will be over sooner than you think. You could both end up getting divorced. And then, even if you married each other, how could you trust each other, since both of you would be cheaters?”Jenny told Carol that her imagination was out of control. Nothing was going to happen. Just then, Carol saw Roger walking toward them. He quietly came up behind Jenny and gave her a big, tight hug. Jenny grinned broadly. Carol rolled her eyes and walked away.

88. Pluto Chases Kid

Visitors to Disneyland in southern California see lots of life-sized cartoon characters, such as Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Pluto the Dog. Most parents take their small kids right up to these characters. If the child doesn't start bawling because he or she is afraid of the cartoon character, the parents will take snapshots or videos of their kid with Snow White, Grumpy, Goofy, or others. Often the camera will be rolling even when the child looks afraid or is crying.Last week, Eva Gunderson took her 7-year-old son Billy Bob to Disneyland. Pluto was the first character they met once they got inside. Eva asked Billy Bob if he wanted a picture with Pluto. Billy Bob said no. He said Pluto’s tail was too skinny and his nose was too big. Eva told him to go ahead, please, just so she could show daddy. Billy Bob reluctantly agreed.He went over to Pluto and sat on his lap. Eva said, “Say cheese!” and both Billy Bob and Pluto said the magic word. Then, as Billy Bob got off Pluto’s lap, he grabbed Pluto’s round black plastic nose and ripped it off Pluto’s costume. Pluto yelled “Ouch!” (even though it didn’t hurt). Billy Bob started running, and Pluto started chasing him. Just as Pluto got close enough to grab him, Billy Bob kicked Pluto between his legs. Pluto fell to the ground, groaning. This time he really was in pain.Eva got it all on video cam. “That was great, honey!” she told her son as they walked off to find more characters. “Wait till daddy sees this. He’ll be so proud of you!”

89. In Harm’s Way

A new invention, called “Arm Yourself,” is in arcades in Japan. It is a mechanical arm-wrestling machine. In the old days, fairs and carnivals usually had a “Test Your Strength” contest that required a player to swing a small sledge hammer as hard as he could to ring a bell and get a prize. The Japanese invention also challenges a player’s strength. Players can set it to four different levels: Baby, Girl, Man, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.The mechanical arm operates at half-strength for the first 10 seconds: “Baby,” for example, would be “Half-Baby,” or 50-percent full-strength, for 10 seconds initially.“This gives the human time to evaluate his mechanical opponent, and usually allows him to win,” says the inventor. But after 10 seconds elapse, the mechanical arm instantly achieves full strength, so that weak Baby suddenly becomes strong Baby. “That comes as a surprise to the human,” said the inventor. “If you watch the human compete, you will see a look of surprise come over his face at the machine’s sudden burst of strength. It’s funny to see!”Unfortunately for some players, the look of surprise is followed by the look of pain, as the steel and plastic arm breaks their flesh and blood arm! Two players recently went to the hospital. The inventor said that he wouldn’t put a warning sign on the machine.“It’s not the machine’s fault,” he said. “Humans often think that they’re smarter, faster, and stronger than they actually are. I think it’s a good lesson that they are learning. Many refuse to combat the machine at the Baby or Girl level because they think that they’re equal to the Man or Arnold level. They don’t know their limitations. They’re proud and foolish, and some of them have to pay the price for their pride.”

90. “Semper Buy”

Semper Fi means Always Faithful. It’s the motto of the Marine Corps, which is a segment of the US Navy. The Marines do whatever the federal government tells them to do, and the government always talks about how important the Marines are and how grateful the government is. So when a former marine, James Reid, recently applied for a Purple Heart for a wound that he received while serving in the Korean War more than 50 years ago, he expected no problems. But a Navy official said that they had no more Purple Hearts. If Reid wanted one, he could buy it at a military supply store. “They’re only $42,” said Arthur Chertoff. “It’s not exactly like buying a new car.”However, the 75-year-old Reid subsists on a military pension that barely covers his rent. His daughter and son send him money for food, transportation, and other expenses. “Well, then, let your kids pay for it,” Chertoff said when Reid told him that he depended on his kids for living expenses. So Reid asked his son for $42 for the medal. His son got so upset about the ungratefulness of the Navy that he called the local newspaper.The local newspaper printed a front page article about how the Navy couldn’t be bothered to pay for and present Reid his Purple Heart 50 years after his injury. Network television news picked up the story. The Navy, of course, was immediately embarrassed. Somehow, officials found the money and the time to buy Reid his Purple Heart and even make a ceremonial presentation.“We are always eager and happy to show that we take care of our own,” said the broadly smiling Chertoff as he presented Reid the medal in front of TV news cameras. “Thank you so much for your service to your country.”

91. A Little Respect, Please

It sounds incredible, but the small country of Greece seems to be burning down. Police believe arsonists are responsible for at least half of the fires. Thirty people have died so far, many of them trapped in their homes or their cars. Residents all over Greece have called fire departments, police, and media about fires surrounding their homes, but there have simply not been enough firemen to respond to all these fires.The government has asked for aid from France, Italy, and Germany. Greek ruins that are almost 3,000 years old are in danger of being burnt down. Fires surround Athens, the capital city. The hillsides are ablaze, and there seems to be no end in sight. Entire villages have been destroyed. There has been no rain for two months, and the trees are so dry that just the heat from an approaching fire causes them to explode into flames.Police have arrested three suspected arsonists. One suspect, oddly enough, was still complaining about the 2004 Olympics. He had applied to carry the torch into the stadium and light the fire to officially start the Games. His application was ignored. “You have to be somebody,” was the reply he got when he called the Olympic Committee in Athens. “And you’re not—you’re nobody,” an official told him. The man was in jail for three years for trying to blow up the committee’s headquarters. Yesterday, police caught him walking away from a new fire with an empty gas can in his hands.“I’m nobody, huh?” he told the police. “Well, I’m somebody now!”

92. A Dream from Beyond (1)

I was sound asleep. My grandfather appeared in a dream. He asked why I had never visited him and grandma at the cemetery. He said that even my mom hadn’t visited since October 4 (grandma’s birthday). He told me that, when I was young, I had walked out into a pond and slipped under water. He had rescued me. He said grandma was supposed to be watching me, but that she had gotten sick all of a sudden and was throwing up. It was probably the fresh blackberries they had picked and eaten earlier. Grandma had a bad stomach.My parents were out on a boat in the pond. They did not know that grandpa had saved me until they got back to shore. I was in a towel and my clothes were drying on bushes. My brown and white Buster Brown shoes were also soaked. I was only three years old, grandpa said. My parents were angry at first, but when they saw that grandma was still feeling sick, they forgave her.Grandpa told me that we had a picnic after that. The four of us ate some chicken, potato salad, and homemade cookies. We drank lemonade. Then grandpa took me for a walk in the woods (I sat on his shoulders). I saw some daisies, and we picked them. When we returned, I presented three daisies to mom and three to grandma, who was finally feeling better. Grandpa said to bring some daisies to the gravesite. Then I woke up.

93. A Dream from Beyond (2)

The next day, I called my mom. “Do you remember me walking into the pond and grandpa rescuing me?”“My God! Who told you about that?”“You mean, it really happened?”“Yes, but your father and I never told you about it because grandma swore us to silence. Even though it wasn’t her fault, she felt that she had failed in her responsibility, and never wanted you to know about it. My goodness, that was so long ago. Who told you this?”“Mom, did I go for a walk with grandpa and return with daisies for you and grandma?”“Okay, I get it. You and your dad are playing some kind of prank. Okay, it’s very funny. Now, quit it.”“This is no prank, mom. Grandpa told me this in a dream last night.”“It still sounds like a prank.”“No, I’m serious. He told me that grandma had a reaction to blackberries. He said I was wearing brown and white Buster Brown shoes. He said I gave you and grandma daisies.”“Oh, my God. Your father would never remember all this. It must be Daddy! Did he say anything about visiting his gravesite?”“Yes, that was his problem. He wanted me to visit them. He also said you had not visited since—”“—Since mom’s birthday six years ago?”“Well, not—”“I’ve got to get over there right now!”“Wait for me! I’m coming with you, and I’ve got to bring those daisies. Maybe we’d better start going every year, huh, mom?”“Yes. There’s no telling what grandpa might tell you next time.”

79. Six Feet Under

Six coal miners in Utah were trapped 1,500 feet underground when the support beams collapsed. Digging was immediately started in an effort to rescue the six. Five volunteer miners risked their lives to descend down to the location of the cave-in. A day later, another cave-in occurred, killing three of the five would-be rescuers. All five were pulled out of the mine.The government banned any further attempts at rescue by men. Instead, machines would be used to burrow into the ground. Listening devices would be able to detect any human activity, and probes would be able to detect the amount of oxygen present. Even though most people figured that the original six had died almost immediately, five more holes were dug during the next two weeks in an effort to find, and deliver food and water to, survivors. This effort was made more difficult because searchers did not know the exact location of the original cave-in.After the fourth, fifth, and sixth digs had produced no positive results, the owner of the mine said that was it. Enough was enough. He had done all he could do, and after two weeks of no food and water, it was impossible that anyone could still be alive. The families of the six miners were outraged, telling the media that the owner had given only lip service to rescue attempts. They planned to sue.

80. An Unhappy Worker

She was a big, homely, overweight young woman, in her late 20s, maybe. No ring on her finger, so she was probably single. In fact, judging from her unfriendly demeanor, she probably had no boyfriend. And unless she started dieting and exercising regularly, she would probably remain unattached.Vivian asked her to make sure to remove the plastic tag from each article of clothing that Vivian was buying at Marshall's. The woman looked at Vivian but said nothing. Not "yes, ma'am," not "of course," not "no problem." She yanked each shirt off its hanger, removed each tag, and folded each shirt quickly but carelessly. Even though the building was air-conditioned, her forehead had beads of sweat. Occasionally she wiped the sweat off with the back of her hand.When she finished removing all the plastic tags and folding shirts into three piles, she rang up the total--$530.78. Vivian presented her VISA card. The clerk completed the transaction and gave Vivian the receipt to sign. Then she started to put all 19 shirts into one big bag. Vivian said no, please put them into three bags because that would be easier to carry back out to the car. The young woman made a sour face, as if she had been asked to lick the floor clean.She almost threw each pile of shirts into three separate plastic bags. Vivian said thank you and picked up the bags. The young woman said nothing. Wordlessly she wiped the sweat off her forehead, pulled a shirt off the hanger for the next customer, and folded it.

81. Why the Sky Is Brown

Every two years, DMV sent Cory a notice to get a pollution check to make sure his Cadillac wasn't fouling the California sky. Cory thought that DMV was fighting a losing battle, considering that there were 30 million cars and 10 million cows in California, not to mention the air pollution drifting into California from across the Pacific.After driving on the 210 freeway for 20 minutes to warm the engine up, Cory drove to the test-only center on Colorado Blvd. Sam, the owner, offered Cory a bottle of purified water. Sam pulled the car up to the test machine and stuck the machine's sensor up the car's tail pipe. This isn't good, Cory thought. Sam showed Cory the printout: “Your vehicle is a gross polluter!”"What does that mean?" Cory asked. It meant that Cory had to take his car to a mechanic to find out why the car was running so rich. It was using gasoline inefficiently. Maybe that's why I'm getting only 8 miles per gallon, Cory thought. Sam said that once the problem was fixed, bring the car back for a second test, which would be free.Cory took his car to Moe, his regular mechanic. Moe said he couldn't help Cory, but his friend Ramsey specialized in emission problems. He gave Cory Ramsey’s business card. “Tell him that I recommended you,” Moe said.Ramsey said to bring the car by 8:00 a.m. Monday through Friday--"first come, first served." Cory got there at 7:40 a.m. Monday. There were three cars already parked there, but Cory was relieved to discover that they were the mechanics’ cars. He was the first customer. Ramsey introduced himself, saying, "Coffee will be ready in a few minutes. I'll show you the waiting room." He was a friendly, courteous man. Cory felt comfortable. Moe had sent him to a good place.

82. It’s a Small World

Nicolas was sitting in the waiting room Monday morning. He had brought four magazines with him, in case the mechanics had to spend all day fixing his car. His portable Sony radio was on, and one earbud was stuck in his right ear. A customer came into the waiting room. Nicolas overheard the customer talking to Harold, the service representative. The customer was from Milford, the same little town that Nicolas was from. After the customer and Harold had finished talking, Harold went back outside.Nicolas thought he would introduce himself. He said, "I heard that you are from Milford." The young man nodded. "Are you going to the parade on Wednesday?" Nicolas asked."What parade?" the man asked. Wednesday was the fourth of July. Nicolas wondered if he was talking to someone who just happened to be visiting Earth on his way to Pluto."Didn't you say you live in Milford?" Nicolas asked. The man nodded. "How long have you lived there?" Nicolas asked. Five years, the man replied."And you've never been to the Fourth of July parade?" Nicolas asked. The man shook his head. He seemed totally uninterested in continuing the conversation, although all he was doing was watching cars drive by on the nearby street.Oh well, I tried to be neighborly, Nicolas thought, as he put the earbud back in his ear and opened one of his magazines.

83. Suspicious Shoppers

Martin and Jane were shopping. They were in Ross Dress for Less. They had just bought shirts, pants, skirts, and tops that filled up four plastic bags. Martin picked up all four bags. Jane said there was no need to do that. “Why not?” he asked her.“We can just put everything into a Ross cart and roll it out to the car,” she suggested.“We can't do that,” he replied. “These carts are for in-store use only. You can't walk all over the mall with their carts. Let's just carry these bags out to the car, put them into the trunk, and then we can continue to shop.” They no sooner walked out the door of Ross than they saw about 50 rental shopping carts locked to a rail.“See,” Martin pointed out to Jane, “if you want to use the cart, you can just rent one for the whole day from the rack.”The mall was huge, and it was air-conditioned. Both of them were chilly. "When we get back to the car, let's grab our jackets," Jane suggested. As soon as they walked outside, the blast of summer heat hit them. Once at the car, they put the bags into the trunk. Then they plopped down into the front seats. They were both tired from all the walking they had just done. When they felt more refreshed, they locked the car and walked back to the mall entrance."Wait a minute," Jane said. They stopped. Jane told Martin about the two suspicious characters sitting outside the entrance. "They were watching us as we carried the bags out to the car," she said."You have very sharp eyes," Martin said. They went back to their car. Martin drove around to the other side of the mall, and they parked in the area marked “6.”

84. Death Is Part of Life

"Happy birthday! This is your dad calling," Dad said. Dad always identified himself, as if after 60 years Joel didn't recognize his own dad's voice. "Well, you're getting pretty old, aren't you?" Dad asked."I sure am," Joel said. "In fact, I'm the same age you were 20 years ago!""Yes, who'd ever think that they wished they were 60 again," said his dad. "This aging process is certainly no fun.""You can say that again," Joel said. But as they say, it's a lot better than the alternative. As long as you're reasonably healthy in mind and body. They both agreed.His dad and mom were still quite active. They lived together in their house. They both drove. They both played golf regularly and were active volunteers in the community.But, such independence would not last forever. Both of them would eventually need part-time or full-time nursing assistance at home, or maybe even have to be moved into a nursing home.What a quiet end that will be, Joel thought, to such fun, productive, and eventful lives. Lying in a bed in a nursing home, waiting for relatives and friends to come visit. Waiting for the nurse’s aide to bring medication, dinner, or an extra blanket. Waiting for help to use the bathroom.Much of that time spent waiting would also be spent in thought. What do people think about when they know their time is almost up, Joel wondered.

85. Tagger Shoots Woman

A 58-year-old woman, mother of three, grandmother of eight, was shot twice in the head Friday night. She was driving to the Wal-Mart east of Pasadena. Only a block from her home, she saw two kids spray-painting graffiti on a new building. She honked at the kids. They continued to tag the building. She honked again. Then she got out of her car and started yelling at them to stop it. They turned around and shouted obscenities at her. She got back into her car, telling the boys that she was calling the police.She did not notice another car behind her. The car pulled up next to her. The passenger window rolled down, and two shots were fired. The two boys, who had been watching, walked over to the woman’s car. One opened the driver’s door and grabbed her purse. The other opened the passenger door and dug through the glove compartment. Then they calmly got into their friend’s car and left the scene.It is said, “If good people are silent, evil will win.” This woman was not silent, yet evil won. The police caught a 19-year-old who they think fired the shots. He will be tried. If convicted, he will go to prison for 20 years, where he will get free food, housing, and medical care. And where he’ll learn how to commit other crimes.But because the prisons are so overcrowded, he will probably get out in 10 years. So, at the age of about 30, he will be out committing more crimes, while three children and eight grandchildren will never get to grow older with their grandma. For bravely speaking up, she was put down. People say that what goes around, comes around. But how often does that happen to cold-blooded murderers?